How self-discloser ruined a six-year-long relationship.

Last year's self-discloser led to an abrupt end of a close relationship between me and a close friend of mine of about six years. We met in high school and we grew to develop a strong bond – we would study together, visit each other and would at times go out together.

 

For much of 2020, the country was on a lockdown due to the pandemic, COVD-19; we would thus call each other for hours on phone, text just to keep the friendship alive. Indeed we were close and at times we called each other sisters. For sure, our friendship and closeness made us pass time in a quiet way when most people around us were so stressed and depressed. I can recall well how we would tell stories past midnight that even my siblings admired our friendship.

 

After being indoors for a couple of months, we planned to meet at a park, our usual spot before the pandemic struck. I was so elated to meet my best friend though we didn’t exchange hugs as before. Pretty sad. We sat for hours talking about our past life, life after school. College life, our families. It was so refreshing to see each other after months. My friend talked about her family. For the first time, she talked about being the fifth generation in the United States and how she believed in America and the resilience of Americans. About the pandemic, she told me that we will for sure overcome the pandemic. I also hold the same belief. I told her that it was just a matter of time and we would bounce back on our feet as a nation. My spirit was lifted and I was glad to have been outdoors and sharing thoughts face to face with my sweet trusted friend.

 

However, she had a bitter tone towards those who had immigrated to the country. She blamed the Chinese for spreading COVD-19. I told her that it was rhetoric and thus blame game wasn’t the best way to get out of the pandemic. Nodding she seemed to have quite agreed with my opinion. 

 

A mere outdoor meeting seemed to have turned into such a wonderful day field with laughter and sharing thoughts on the current affairs. What a day I thought!

 

Having talked much about her family, I felt it was a wonderful opportunity to reciprocate disclosure. I told her that my family are recent immigrants to the United State. I disclosed that I was born in Africa and we immigrated here a few years back. Indeed, I am part of the first generation in the US. I also talked about my memories of Africa when I was little. It was such a sweet thing to disclose my personal information to her. I had known her for a couple of years and I thought we were close. She listened to me and I felt comfortable.

 

I felt so happy to tell someone I have been close to about my roots. I thought that this reciprocated self-disclosure would lead to a closer relationship and a better-shared understanding between us. 

 

Although we had not planned to talk about our family roots I guess my mood played a factor in reciprocating such personal information. Thus I didn’t restrain to hold back where I come from. There was no need to be cautious, I had known her for a couple of years (since high school). I was completely honest in the situation and her listening keenly just made this face-to-face medium of self-disclosure fulfilling. In the back of my mind, I hope that from that day henceforth our relationship would be stronger as Adler and Proctor II (2017) said in Looking out, Looking in, “One way by which we judge the strength of our relationships is the amount of information we share with others.” I was very proud to have revealed my roots to my friend expecting to have a quality interpersonal relationship (Adler & Proctor II, 2017).

 

We later left the park and bid farewell to each other. All seem normal and we promised to call each other that evening to make more plans for more outdoor activities. 

 

We had the habit of calling each other to know what the other person was up to. That night a made a call and my friend never answered. Nothing worried me, I thought she would call back later. With no response at the time of retiring to my bed, I decided to phone once again; there was no response again.

 

The following day I woke to a heartbreaking text, “I don’t relate to immigrants…Never call this number!” I tried to fathom what had gotten into her. Was there something wrong with me? What’s wrong with immigrants? I’m here legally! We are all immigrants – fifth descendants of immigrants as well as first-generation immigrants, all are immigrants. 

 

I guess that she was not expecting such a breadth of family background information. She holds a negative personal opinion about people who recently relocated to the United States. Her dislike of recently immigrated families of people and never wanting to associate with them was the hidden area in Johari Window in our relationship (Adler & Proctor II, 2017).

 

It dawned on me that I only knew the open part of my friend as put in the Johari Window. Although our self-disclosure was unplanned, I felt that my reciprocation was appropriate. That is who I am – a first-generation immigrant from Africa. 

 

It is clear to me that although our friendship looked good, much that we knew about each other was on the breath dimension. We had never revealed the depth dimensions of ourselves. Looking back at the social penetration model as illustrated by Adler & Proctor II, 2017, I would have held back my disclosure had I known the hidden part of my friend. But how would I have known the hidden self of my friend? Had I known her view in regards to immigration, I would have reacted differently considering the potential risk it could have on our relationship. 

 

If I knew that she disliked recent immigrants, I would have handled disclosure in quite a different way. Other than reciprocating and telling her the truth, I could have either told a benevolent lie or equivocated. Silence wouldn’t have been the better option; we had missed each other so much and were in the mood to talk and share face to face conversation. 

 

I know that my friend is such a good person and our friendship was good. If it was not for her view on immigrants and how she looked at me, we would still be friends. I know that opinions are influenced and shaped by the social environment mostly. This could be family, friends, neighbourhood, religious community, place of work, or school. And considering the immigration crisis our country is facing and the rhetoric which was being spun in the political circles, I understood what shaped her views. Therefore, I would have told her that I was the fourth or fifth generation of my family in the U.S. With the motive of not threatening our relationship, I would have considered my lies deceptive. Adler & Proctor II, 2017 state that one study suggests that a liar’s motives make a significant difference in whether the deception is perceived as acceptable by others. In this case, I would be protecting the resource (Adler & Proctor II, 2017), that is, our friendship. Although I am aware that lying about major parts of your relationship can have the gravest consequences (Adler & Proctor II, 2017), I would have given this benevolent lie and as our friendship progresses I introduce the topic of immigration in our talks. When I would feel that she is ready to accommodate the fact that not all immigration is bad and we are here to chase the same dream, the American Dream, I would then disclose my family roots.

 

Another approach of disclosure that I think would have fit in the situation then was to be equivocal. I would have come up with a face-saving hint (Adler & Proctor II, 2017) to let her know that talking about our family roots and which generation we are in was not ideal in determining whom to blame for that mess in the country or the pandemic. I would have said, “Thanks for telling me about your family background. You must be proud of your great grandparents. Would we talk about all this another day? Time isn’t on our side. We’d better be going.” In this way, I would have saved that friendship for the day as I weigh the options of revealing my family background to her later.

 

Reference

1. Adler and Proctor II (2017). Looking Out, Looking In, 15th edition. Wadsworth Publishing, California.